No More Monkeys Jumpin’ on the Bed

If you’re wondering why I keep posted pics of myself jumping on beds on Instagram, well …

When I was around 5, I was jumping on the bed with my neighbor. We were laughing and having a great time. So great, we were both like, “Why is the adult population so adamantly opposed to us jumping on beds? Damn grown-ups. Ruiners of fun. Abolishers of bliss. They just want to terminate any ounce of fun from our lives.” (And we said it just like that, too.) About 4.5 seconds later, I went for a monster jump, head-butted my neighbor and knocked one of his two front teeth right out of his head, creating a pothole in my own head where his tooth gouged me. And that’s when we realized those damn grown-ups might have been on to something.

Fast forward 32 years and I’m back to jumping on the bed. Clearly, lesson not learned. (Although, this time it’s a solo show—to minimize injuries.) You see, there’s just something irresistible about a freshly made hotel bed. You can tell by the looks of its hospital corners and perfectly arranged pillows someone worked hard to make it pristine. And the most wrong thing to do would be devastating that finished product by jumping up and down on it. And that’s where I come in. I’ve been doing this for decades. You know, the weird things people do in their hotel rooms: stealing the soap, throwing the comforter off the bed, jacking the robe, raiding the mini fridge and restocking it with stuff from the neighboring gas station before heading home … I, however, wreck the bed by jumping on it. A year back, I decided to start photographing myself in the act. And the pics, with their blurred imperfections, much like the beds themselves, became a part of the experience. These days, you can rest assured any time I hit a hotel room, one of the things I’m going to do prior to tucking myself in for the night, is play rocket ship to the moon on my crisp, white, perfectly perfect bed and snap a pic of me committing the crime. And if there’s two beds side by side, then it’s a full-fledge Indiana Jone ravine-jumping adventure.  Here’s a few from my latest and a few blasts from the past, too.

Life is short. Don’t wait for the turn down service. Jump at the chance to do it yourself.